I chose a pattern that I've used many times before, which I actually got for free at Pins and Needles, in Princeton. It's common that baby hat patterns are free b/c lots of people use scrap yarn and donate the hat to local hospitals or charity organizations. Plus they're super-simple patterns. I planned to re-create this little hat, but I wanted this cap to have blue and gray stripes! So I splurged (a bit) on Debbie Bliss Baby Cashmerino and started knitting.
As I knit, I started thinking "you know... this does look a little small. And it's looked small when I've knit this hat as a gift for friends babies.... but what do I know?". So I keep knitting. Maybe it's just the fact that it's got a 2X2 rib pattern at the bottom and it's supposed to be tight, right? So I keep knitting. I get to the straight knit and decide this baby hat wouldn't fit over a peach, not to mention a baby's head. So I rip it all out and check my guage. Guage is dead on. I check some on-line comments about the pattern. No comments about the pattern knitting small. I re-read the instructions, and it's pretty simple, I'd knit it correctly. So I re-read the pattern again. Yep, proper needles, proper yarn. So I re-read the pattern AGAIN, this time from the top. And there it was, in the VERY FIRST LINE: "The babies Save The Children saves are often low birthweight, so the caps need to be smaller than we are used to making in the US".
That's when I started crying. These weren't little "boo-hoo" tears...These were those hot, angry, heavy tears that fall when you know you're upset and there's nothing you can do to fix the situation. And worse yet, it's your own fault. That's what I get for not reading the instructions properly.
That's also when I think the delusion set in. Any normal person would have just said "it's not a good knitting night, I'll find a new, clear pattern on-line tomorrow, from the myriad of free patterns that are at my fingertips". Not this girl. My set-back wasn't going to stop me from starting progress on a baby hat THAT EVENING. I don't know why time became so important - I just felt that there wasn't time to take a break, or start over tomorrow, or even take 10 min to look on Ravelry. I felt that I couldn't go to bed on such an awful note of failure, and I felt strongly compelled to at least start a new hat that was properly sized. Looking back, I realize I often times do this - rather than take a step back and regroup in a short while, I get this brute-force mental attitude, where I'll just keep making different attempts, over and over, until something works out so I can cross that task off my list. I suppose it's very selfish to think that you can make everything happen in the timeframe that you want - sometimes you just have to walk away and wait until conditions change and accept that you can't get what you want in this instant.
Anyway, that rational person wasn't me on that evening. I grabbed a couple knitting books from the table to get an idea of how many stitches to cast on. I started with 48 and knitted a bit. Still too small. I ripped it out and cast on 72. Still to small. I ripped it out and finally cast on 84 stitches. 84 stitches, my friends... If that sound like a lot, that's because it is. But in the moment, it seemed fine and by gosh there was no way I was going to wind up with another micro-hat. So I went with the 84 and knit and knit. And continued the next morning. I made blue and gray stripes and completed the decreases at the top with no problem. And the finished product? An adorable hat that would fit no younger than a 2-year old. I panicked and thought maybe a pom-pom would make the hat smaller somehow. So I added this little blue and grey accoutrement, and nope... still sized for a kid. I considered trying to wash it on hot to shrink it, but the yarn wasn't really designed to felt. It became clear that this was simply a failed project.
More tears. These were the sad ones that happen when you really feel at a loss, or that a true tragedy has occurred. I felt terrible - after all the knits I've made for others, our baby was going to get some second-rate, ill-fiting, baggy hat. "Welcome to the world little one, here's your mis-shaped hat - the first gift your mother gave you". J was very reassuring and suggested I "put the needles down and just walk away for a while", which I did (see life-lesson described above). He said it would make a lovely gift for the baby 2 years from now, anyway.
So, I looked on Ravelry and found a cute newborn hat pattern, and started knitting. I did make modifications (but nothing to do with the size! I followed modifications posted on-line). Instead of a rib stitching, I used a moss stitch pattern. I did one extra row of decreases at the top and made a 3/4" I-cord. And I am very happy with the final product! Here it is! I also knit some booties, as well. I guess retrospectively, blindly knitting that huge hat was kinda funny, but it was definitely frustrating and heart-breaking in the moment. But with the new one, I felt relieved and happy that our baby would would be receiving a properly fitting, custom-made baby hat to wear home from the hospital!
No more tears!
